Postcards From Thailand

Old goals and new

2012-01-18T11:36:00.000+10:00

Blogging for me is a like an old friend. Someone you don't need to be in contact with all the time, but you know when you catch up, it will be just like old times.

As another year commences, the usual things go through my mind... "I must make more of an effort to keep in contact with old friends", "I must exercise more", "I must get my finances in order". Every year I have the same goals and whilst I'm much better with friends and exercise, my budget needs a serious overhaul.

It scares me to think that I will be 36 this year and financially still years behind. I want to be able to comfortably afford to live without a housemate, to have savings and minimal debt. Having a new relationship also highlights how much I need to get this part of my life in control. It makes me feel uncomfortable to know that I can't contribute equally to the relationship or even plan an impromptu holiday without having to save like crazy. So my goals ASAP are to:

pay off any existing bills, debts etc.
pay off a larger amount on my biggest debt and keep the monthly repayments on the other debts
save a portion of my salary each fortnight
take out my weekly allowance and do not take any more... This I have to be strong with!

I'm giving up alcohol for the month of February, so I will have one less cost and reason to go out.. Driving everywhere and not drinking will save me money. I just want to have something to look forward to - maybe a deposit for a house. I know I can do it, I just need to be strong with myself!

Sick and tired...

2011-02-17T08:31:00.000+10:00

Today I'm lying on the couch... Sick of lying in my bed, but still not well enough to much else.

I put it down to stress. Work stress, life stress - stress in general. A mystery illness "virus" as the Dr said. Where I've had a headache since Sunday, followed by generally feeling crap and today a sore throat. I've been doing everything I can to try and feel better, but really it's all down to rest. This is the first time all week, I've actually been awake at this time. So I must be on the mend and hoping I can eat today.

Time after time

2011-02-15T18:02:00.000+10:00

Wow, can't believe it's already February and the hot cross buns are in the shops. Even stranger is that it's now been 2 years since I made my way back to the bright lights of the big city.

I had hoped that once back in Melbourne my life would be wonderful, I'd meet a great guy, settle down and live the Australian dream. Well, here we are with me having a great career, a fantastic lifestyle and a good circle of friends, I'm still working on the great guy bit.

Time after time I see myself going down the same path, making the same mistakes and allowing the same things to happen. The thing is my head knows what to do, but for some reason my heart finds it hard to follow the rules. I don't know why I seem to be attracted to the elusive ones, I know that is not what I want or deserve.

Attention to Detail

2010-10-23T19:19:00.000+10:00

So I've been winging my way through my study and actually doing really well.. However, I am a little surprised and slightly irked that my lecturer, who is a lawyer has not been able to spell my name correctly - so much for the attention to detail.

At first I thought it was a typo, but after several emails from him I realise this is not the case. I have sent him an email to politely alert him to this fact.

Stuck in the Supermarket Queue of Life

2010-10-19T13:00:00.000+10:00

Sometimes my life feel's like I'm stuck in the supermarket queue. Whilst other's zoom past me in the 12 items or less lane, I'm at the back of the queue trying to be patient and wait my turn.

I will confess to having extreme couple envy in the last few weeks. I love my friends and want nothing more than for them to be happy. I am ashamed to say, that I cried when after finding out two of my closest girl pals are pregnant. Selfish I know... But when a third acquaintance also shared the news she was pregnant, I couldn't help but wonder, when will it be my turn?

I realise I've made choices in life that have probably played a huge part in where I am now i.e. single. But I also know that staying in my marriage would never have been good for either of us. Ultimately, we both would have been miserable.

There are parts of me that still need work, no one is perfect and I know that I need to stop being scared, to take the risk and just let myself go. Moving back to Melbourne, was really just running away... But I wasn't ready to deal with the heartache. From my last relationship with M, I finally understand the amount of hurt I caused D and how difficulut it must have been for M to tell me he didn't love me anymore. Words I never want to hear and pain I never want to experience again.

So I could pack my bags, board a plane and eat, pray and love my way through three countries or I could choose to suck it up and tackle life from right here in Melbourne. I think I choose the latter.

One Year On

2010-02-28T07:07:00.000+10:00

This time last year I had hit the road and said goodbye to my old life. My car packed to the max with over 8 years of belongings and memories, slowly snaked it's way down the east coast of Australia. My new life loomed before me and I was nervous and also excited of the year to come.

Almost one year on, I can honestly say leaving Cairns was the best thing I could have ever done. I have no regrets and whilst I miss my friends, it's been healing to have my family and friends around to support me through the challenges and changes I went through last year.

My "new" life has presented many opportunities and for the most part I've been extremely happy. After living back at home with mum, I moved out in August and found my feet - loving my own space and learning to enjoy my own company. For the first time in many years, the things I have are all my own. It's been an achievement in itself to regain my indpendence and feel pride in running my own house again.

I'm slowly expanding my networks, socially and professionally and planning my life. The lack of direction I had in my life in Cairns is gone, I'm looking to the future and planning the things I want to achieve. Life is good.

Reflection

2009-10-15T18:44:00.000+10:00

Over the past month or so I've done a little bit of thinking. When I started this blog all those years ago my life was so different. I was living with my husband and we made that journey to Thailand together to meet my birth family and to discover a part of me that neither of us knew.

I will always cherish those memories and the time we spent together. I'm so thankful for having such a supportive and loving person to share that journey with. Although we are no longer together there is still a connection between us, as friends we will always be. I'll admit I felt a little envious of his life, when he told me that he and his partner are expecting a child. But I don't regret any decision I made in relation to our relationship.

I think that in order for me to find what I want and need in a relationship, perhaps I need to work on me. When I think about things I think about my childhood and the feeling of never fitting in, being so painfully shy that I felt sick. I see myself as a gangly teenager trying to look like the blond, blue eyed girls all the boys wanted. I see myself rejecting my heritage, being embarrassed of my Thai background. I see myself as a young adult, slowly coming out of my shell, blossoming and dealing with the attention of men who previously never looked my way. I see me learning to deal with and to overcome the painful issues stemming from sexual abuse I suffered as a child and the fear I lived in for so many years.

Now, at age 33 I am finally feeling happy with me life. I have a career, great friends and a good relationship with my family. It's taken me 8 years of living away (running away), to decide that home is really where the heart is and my home is back where it all began. Being happy with myself and who I am, I think will open up the opportunities to a happy and fulfilling relationship.

He's just not that into you

2009-10-04T09:56:00.000+10:00

Why is that even though I know "he's just not into me" part of me still wants him to be, to call me telling me he's made a mistake, to email me saying he wants to get back together or to even ask why I've deleted him as a friend off Facebook?

Whilst I know I'm an incredibly strong person, most of my strength has been gained because I've had to step up and take care of myself. I sometimes feel quite alone and wonder if my "neediness" or wanting someone who clearly doesn't care for me to be with me is a result of my childhood? I've never felt that my birth parents never wanted me, on the contrary I feel very wanted and loved. Loved so much by my family that they did what they thought was best and put me up for adoption.

I think it stems from the home life I had as a child, losing my adoptive father at a young age, not really grieving or getting over this for a long time. I think that part of me feels abandoned by him. During the time he was sick and then passed away a lot of other things were going on at home that were neither pleasant or happy. I spent many years scared of my own shadow, so now as an adult it manifests itself in the way I react or act in my relationships.

The thing is, I know logically what I often think or feel is not logical, but I still haven't trained my mind to turn this around.. I'm learning and I'm getting better. I know what I'm doing and do everything in my power to try and counteract my thoughts and feelings.

To text or not to text that is the question

2009-10-03T17:29:00.002+10:00

With all the modern forms of communication, old fashioned communication seems to have gone out the window.

Since when did text messaging become the preferred method of communication? I consider myself to be a modern woman, but I still believe that a good old fashioned phone call beats a text message hands down. Telephone calls show the person that you think they are special, that you have taken the time to have a conversation with them and most importantly can eliminate miscommunication.

Take this example, I have recently met a guy. He has sent me several text message and phoned me twice. Today he sent me a text, which I was quite confused and somewhat miffed about. I responded, politely saying thanks, but no thanks. Only to find that wasn't what he meant at all. As I couldn't see his face or hear his voice, I could only go on what was staring at me from my mobile phone.

The moral of the story is if in doubt, don't text call. Will save you a lot of confusion, embarrassment and anxiety in the long run.

Mid Week Blues

2009-04-12T19:08:00.004+10:00

Today is Easter Sunday. As I am not very religious, I did not go to church. Rather I watched as my excited little cousin's wandered around the house collecting all the chocolate eggs their mother and I had hid.

I decided that I would spend the day with mum. My sister is away and I didn't want mum to be on her own. We spent a lovely day in Tyab, looking through the many antiques and secondhand shops located conveniently in the one place. It was probably the nicest and least dramatic holiday I've had with mum. Growing up, wasn't always so pleasant around Easter and Christmas time.

Leading up to the Easter break, I had one day of feeling flat, melancholy and somewhat sorry for myself. I think the anxiety I was feeling was more about feeling lonely and missing the relationship I lost early this year. I knew that after a good nights sleep it would pass and it did. Moving back to Melbourne and spending time with my family and friends has been the best medicine.

A Lot of Explaining To Do

2009-04-06T20:34:00.003+10:00

Moving back to Melbourne has meant re-establishing myself, learning a new job and making new friends. It's also meant having to try and explain my family life to those that do not know me.

Generally, I don't tell people about being adopted unless I really think they need to know. It's not because I'm ashamed of being adopted, rather it's so complicated and normally the people who ask really don't want to know all the in's and out's anyway. So if someone asks what my background is, I will say I was born in Thailand. This will often lead to the person asking if my family are in Melbourne and how long have I been in Australia. To which I'll normally reply my mother and sister live in Melbourne and I have a sister living in Perth. This is usually enough, sometimes if they are nosy, the person will ask if I can speak Thai. When I say no, they will then assume and ask if my father is Australian (meaning anglo-saxon). Depending on how tired I am I may just agree with them (to make it faster and easier on everyone). If I'm feeling up to it, I'll explain that I'm adopted. If I know the person and feel comfortable with them, then I'll explain my whole family situation, the how/when of where we all came from.

To make things more complicated, I have my ex-step brother, sister's and their cousins (who I grew up with and call my own cousins) to add into the equation. They are of Sri Lankan background and this can often add to people's looks of confusion, when we introduce one another as family or me having to draw a family tree to explain who everyone is and where we all come from.

I would not change my multi-cultural family or upbringing. I feel that as I have matured, it has helped define who I am as a person. It's had a direct effect on my interest and career choice in the migration law field.

Thai 101

2009-04-05T16:51:00.002+10:00

Starting late April, I will be spending my Sun afternoon's learning to read, write and speak Thai. I've missed the first term, but apparently can catch up with extra homework. Wish me luck...

Going 360

2009-04-05T16:42:00.003+10:00

New year, new start. I find myself back in Melbourne.. Due to yet another life changing circumstance I decided it was now or never to come back to Melbourne. The reasons I first moved north were not there anymore and although I had made many friends over the years, it was time to come "home", closer to my friends and family.

So with the decision made, I simply walked into work and resigned. Once the decision was made, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Packing everything that would fit into my car I left for Melbourne after picking my bestie up from the airport for our road trip down the coast.

Driving over 3,500km we spent 24/7 with each other, mixing camping with 5 star hotels to finally arrive safe and sound in Melbourne. It's been only 5 weeks, but my life in Cairns feels like a lifetime ago. I have started to settle in and I'm busy catching up with old friends, making new friends and learning the in's and out's of my new job.

Once again, life has thrown me a curve ball. What I have learnt is to deal with things differently, to realise that things do happen for a reason and to get on with living my life and not dwell on things I can't change.

A New Life and a New Beginning

2008-11-22T11:47:00.003+10:00

The last 3 years have rushed by so quickly. For me life has changed dramatically.

In summary:

I faced life on my own after the breakdown of my marriage
Struggled through a rough period of anxiety and depression
Regained my independence and self confidence
Took a fantastic eye opening trip to Cambodia and Laos with my best friend
Fell into a great job, which has turned into a career
Met a new person to enjoy my life with

I still think about my Thai family. In recent times more often as I have met several new people in the last 18 months, who didn't know my background. Talking about being adopted and meeting my family brought back many memories.

It's Time!

2006-07-08T13:53:00.000+10:00

Fri, Aug 25:
From: MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA (MEL) map
To: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK) map

Holiday time that is. I am off overseas next month and I can't wait. I have paid for my flights, renewed my passport, had my shots and bought my backpack...yes my 65 litre backpack. Hope I can carry it. Although we are staying in hotels, we thought it would be easier to lug a backpack around rather than suitcases, especially if we decide to use local transport to get around.

Where am I off to? see for your yourself.

Fri, Aug 25:
From: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
To: PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA (PNH)

Fri, Sep 15:
From: VIENTIANE, Laos
To: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)

Sat, Sep 16:
From: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
To: MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA (MEL)

The Family Stone

2006-05-22T19:33:00.000+10:00

When I met my siblings, I was so pleased to see a family resembalance. It was the first time I have ever been able to look at someone else and say "I look like you" and it was a nice feeling. Browsing through the piles of family photos my siblings had, I could clearly see a strong resembalance to my older sister Saitong (the one closest in age to me). It was one of my nieces who pointed out the similarity. One particular photo showed my sister in her early teens, the photo of myself was taken when I was about 8yrs old. But I was the spitting image of her, down to our Asian "bowl cut" hairstyle. My older brother (next in age to me) and I have similar smiles and facial expressions.

The last day I spent with my siblings was probably the best. It was relaxed for them as Surin was not there to translate and I felt more comfortable. Sitting with my sisters felt no different to sitting around chatting with adoptive family members. At that time I would have loved for the afternoon to have gone on for so much longer. I felt we were less like strangers and more like friends.

Scapbooking

2006-05-11T06:42:00.000+10:00

I feel I'm quite fortunate that my family were open to discussing and acknowledging my adoption. From the time I could talk I can remember my Mum talking to me about being adopted. As a small child I would often ask questions and I don't ever remember a time where adoption was a taboo question.

When I was adopted my Mum created a scrapbook of her memories of that time. I now have that scrapbook and I am in the process of re-doing it to preserve the memories, nearly 30 years on.

The scrapbook contains everything from Mum and Dad's airline tickets to receipts from stores in Bangkok. I have baby books from the local hospital in Thailand and numerous newspaper articles from the major Australian newspapers of the time, where my adoption made front page news. There are cards congratulating my parents on having twin girls and baptism cards for me and my older sister. On a sadder note there are sympathy cards and death notices for my twin. This book is the story of my life and journey to who I am.

When I moved to Cairns Mum gave me a large envelope full of documents. I now have my adoption papers, my Thai birth certificate, My birth mother's death certificate and many other important links to my past. I recently bought a printer/scanner/copier machine. In the next few weeks I will be scanning all of these precious documents.

Twins

2006-04-29T10:35:00.000+10:00

My first passport photo and one of the only photos I have of my twin sister (I'm the baby on the right). I wonder how different my life and my personality would have been had she not passed away? We were not identical twins and she was the youngest by 5 minutes.

Growing up with a twin would have meant for me:

A constant friend and companion
Someone to share the first day at school and all those other scary firsts
A biological link to my birth family

I can't remember having a twin, I was so young (and sick) when she passed away. It effected Mum for a long time, another baby she had lost and the grief must have been hard to bare. A mother's instinct is very strong, when she told the hospital staff something was wrong they should have listened.

It has been many years since I've been to visit Kirrily. I know that Mum still goes occassionally. I don't think anyone else does. The next time I am in Melbourne I think I'll go. Mik was not even born when she died. Even though we are sisters by adoption, I'm sure she doesn't even think to say she once had 3 sisters. I don't often mention my twin, people find it hard enough to understand the dynamics of my family without adding an extra sibling into the mix. Only those who are very close to me know I had a twin.

As I'm approaching 30 I understand the importance of family and appreciate mine so much more. I can't say that I miss Kirrily, I don't have any memories of her. I simply feel a loss.

Message From Surin

2006-01-19T10:07:00.000+10:00

Surin my great friend who helped find my birth family and travelled with us to meet and interpret for me has put a website together as he would like to help other adoptees from the Udon/Khon Kaen region find their birth families. He does this because he enjoys helping people and finds it rewarding and fulfilling. See his message below:

"Dear Family,
Hope this message found all of your in a good health and happy.
After many years of helping the reunions, my life and also my family have
more happy. Last year I have been in Holland, and some of you adviceed me
to open the ways to contact and get more help from me, which I have tought
over and have started a small website with Nico (from UK) many years ago.
So now one of them, Jeroen has put up the website for that.

And I would like you to contribute some message about what I have done as
the preference also your photo that will be put on that website.

All of this just to make more easy way to contact me. So I can help them
more.

Best wishes to you and your family and all dear one.

With lots of Love,
Surin"

My Dear Family

2005-06-21T15:21:00.000+10:00

21 June 2005

My Dear Family

I apologise for taking so long to write this letter to you. Thank you for such a warm welcome, I was very nervous before coming to meet you and unsure as to our meeting would go.

I found the experience very emotional and confusing. You are my family, yet I know nothing about you. I have lived my life on the other side of the world experiencing a different culture and lifestyle, and I feel bad for not understanding my Thai heritage or knowing how to speak the language.

When I came back to Australia it was comforting for me to return to my old lifestyle and I was not sure if I should continue contacting you or if you would still want to be in contact with me. This letter is to say that if you are willing I would very much like to continue our relationship, with the intention of coming back to visit again soon.

Our first meeting was hard due to many factors including the language barrier, but I felt that on our last day together we were making progress and enjoying spending time together as siblings. I really enjoyed this day, sitting with you and getting to know a little about your personalities. I was so sad to leave and as we left I cried until there were no more tears left.

My favourite time was looking at the family photos and seeing you all at different stages of your lives. It was important to me to see photos of our parents and see that I did have a family resemblance to you all. You all look so happy and I wish that I had been able to share in some of your special times together. It felt so good to sit and share a meal with you, to see the houses and land that you farm and meet some of my nieces and nephews.

I extend my best wishes to our extended family members who accompanied our father on his journey to the orphanage, for had I not been adopted my situation may have been very different. I pay my respects to those people in the village that came to meet and bless my adoptive family and me. I honour our mother and father who gave me life and thank you all for accepting me, my adoptive mother, her boyfriend and husband into your lives.

From today, I look forward to re-establishing a relationship and getting to know more about my culture, heritage and more importantly about you, my birth family. In the meantime I will practice my Thai language skills so we can talk together when I come for my next visit.

Thank you for everything you did for me during my visit, you made me feel so special and important in your lives.

Your “Australian” sister

Tamara
(Somphong Monkunkul)

Letters of Guilt

2005-06-19T18:27:00.000+10:00

I've decided it is time to write a letter to my sister Atchara and perhaps send a copy to my brother Sawang to share with my sisters in Bangkok. I have been thinking about doing this since I returned from Thailand in February.

Initially when I arrived home I was still caught up in the moment, on a high and the time away from them had not been that long. Now as each day ends I feel more and more guilty that I haven't written to thank them for their hospitality, kindness and love. For a while I was confused as to whether I even wanted to correspond with them again. This feeling changes like the wind and at present I am leaning towards the side of wanting to re-establish and maintain contact, so while I am still feeling positive I will write and post my letter.

I believed for a while that if they had wanted me to keep in contact they would have sent me a letter by now, after all they have my address details too. This is probably not the case, or at least I hope not. Maybe another reason I haven't written is that I'm worried that they don't want me to keep in contact with them. What if after meeting me they don't ever want to see me again? I have read stories of where this has happened.

All I can do is write my letter and wait and see if I get a response. At least I will know then, one way or the other.

Languages

2005-06-16T17:52:00.000+10:00

Something embarrassing happened to me at work yesterday. A client came in for their appointment and had just settled into the chair. Prior to the interview I had viewed the registration details and knew that the client was Thai. The interview had commenced when all of a sudden the client started talking rapidly in Thai to me. Normally this does not happen. It is very rare for Thai clients to identify that I am also Thai born and even if they do they are too polite to ask any questions. Hastily I said that I couldn't speak Thai and then changed that to I could only speak a little Thai.

The client smiled in an embarrassed way and mentioned that they had seen my tattoo and that is why they thought I was Thai. It was then that I told the client I was born in Thailand and that it was my name tattooed on my leg. The client was confused, as my name is a male name. I then explained that I had lived in Australia since birth and that is why I couldn't speak Thai. This always opens a can of worms and is often hard to explain to Thai people as they don't seem to understand the concept of adoption. I did my best to explain in brief (as I didn't want a complete stranger to know my whole life situation)and moved on to complete the interview.

I was even more embarrassed when the client told me they had moved back to Australia so the children could get a better grasp of English. The family had been living in Israel for several years and the children could speak Thai and Hebrew as well as English. It's times like this that I wish I had learnt to speak Thai as a child.

Both Sides Of The Story

2005-05-10T08:15:00.000+10:00

I read with interest the thoughts and feelings of other inter-country adoptees who have such strong feelings and beliefs about their adoption and the issue of inter-country adoption in general. In contrast are the thoughts and feelings of prospective adoptive parents who have adopted children or are in the process of adopting children now. Reading their stories, shows parents who are eager to have a child, wanting to open their hearts and home to a new family member.

I understand some of the problems, feelings and issues that other inter-country adoptees have faced and feel. I can sympathise with those who felt discriminated against, left out and isolated. I understand how it feels to be "internally racist", to feel embarrassed of where I was born and to withdraw from all things Asian.

However in 2005 I would like to think that adoption process is different and that prospective parents are researching and planning for their children. For it is with education - culture, language etc. That an adopted child will grow to understand that, yes they are different, but that is ok. With the support of parents, family and friends a child will grow up to feel part of a family, but have the knowledge and understanding of where they come from and to feel proud of their heritage.

Most of the time I don't feel "Thai", not that I know what this is meant to feel like. I feel like me. I am a Thai born Australian. Many times during my childhood I had comments from fellow students and friends, things like "We forget that you are Asian, we think of you as white", often as a child I wanted desperately to have blond hair and blue eyes. At home I fit in, I had two adopted sisters. At school was where the differences came into play. I admit I didn't start to feel comfortable in my own skin until more recently. Even now I get annoyed when people ask me where I come from. I am an Australian. I have been a citizen since 1976, yet people still look at the colour of my skin and do not identify me as being truly Australian. In some instances I have been a citizen of this country longer than the Anglo-Saxon person who is asking the question.

On the other hand I do not truly belong in Thailand. I have no real understanding of my culture or heritage. I can not read or write the language and often take for granted the western lifestyle I am accustomed to. I do not identify with other Thai or Asian people, unless they have been brought up in a similar environment to myself. Could things have been different? I think that had I been given the opportunity from childhood to mix with Thai children, learn the language and culture, I would not have spent many years feeling embarrassed by it. So it is as an adult that I am now trying to discover my roots and learn the things that make me unique.

Media

2005-04-19T20:20:00.000+10:00

I received an email from my ICASN group relating to a newspaper article published in ."The Age", a Melbourne newspaper on April 15 2005. The article titled "Foreign adoptees yearn for ties that bind" focused on the first Vietnamese baby approved for adoption in Australia. I found this article of particular interest as the young woman in question grew up in Glen Waverley, I grew up in the neighbouring suburb of Mt Waverley and attended High School in her local area.

Like myself she grew up in a loving family and didn't wonder about her heritage until adulthood. However, unlike myself she wasn't able to find her birth family on her return to Vietnam. I always find it interesting to read stories and articles that relate to adoptees who have found and met their birth families. It is comforting to find that most inter-country adoptees find they have similar thoughts and feelings and makes me less like I have to deal with everything alone.

Interestingly in July and August 1976 the story of my adoption and several others was well documented by the print media. In particular articles in "The Age" and "The Sun" (now "The Herald Sun") and also front page of "The Australian" ran stories, where I managed to get my fifteen minutes of fame (and my photo) in several newspaper articles. Mum collected the articles and for years they have sat aging in a scrapbook. I am in the process of finding the best way to preserve the articles and also plan on contacting the reporter who wrote the above story to see if she would like to write a follow-up article on the one published in 1976.

Prior to my trip I contacted a programme on the ABC to see if they were interested in using my story for an upcoming episode. I received a call from a researcher who asked me several questions, some of which I covered in my initial correspondence to them. At the end of our phone call, she advised that I should film my meeting myself (stating budget restraints) and then contact her on my return. From our conversation I got the impression that had I been born in a worn torn country my story would have been of more interest. To date I haven't contacted her and wasn't surprised when the programme ran an episode about a television soap actor, who in his mid fiftie's discovered he was adopted.

This gets me to think perhaps I would be better off writing a book about my story. That way I will have a record for all time, something to share with my family, friends and in time my children and grandchildren.

Happy Songkran

2005-04-13T09:47:00.000+10:00

I received an email from Surin a week or two ago. It didn't say much and at first I thought it was virus as some of the lettering didn't seem to make sense. Mum rang last night and asked if I had read the email. It turns out Surin had sent a link to a Songkran card. Songkran runs from April 13 to 15.

Songkran marks the traditional Thai New Year. In keeping with the Thai sense of fun 'sanuk' the celebration runs for three days and is a nationwide event. Songkran is best known throughout the world as the 'Water Festival' this is due to the characteristic tradition of water-throwing which ranges from sprinkles and splashes to showers from garden hoses, buckets and water-cannons all in the name of fun.

On a more serious note Songkran is an important time for the Thai people to give thanks and reflect on the the goodwill they have received as well as remembering that such acts bring about peace and happiness. Songkran is often a time for family reunions.

In Khon Kaen the festival commenced on April 8 and religious ceremonies include bathing rituals and presentation of offerings to the monks. Other festivities include the Miss Songkran beauty pagent as well as plenty of water splashing.

I'm not sure if Songkran is celebrated in Cairns, I think I will have to do some investigation. Meanwhile I will finish the letter I have started to Atchara and send an email greeting to Surin. Although I haven't fully decided whether I'll visit my family on my trip next year it still hasn't been ruled out. As I'm not going until next February I still have plenty of time to think it over and decide.

Confusion

2005-04-01T09:51:00.000+10:00

It has now been two months since I came back from Thailand and as much as I enjoyed myself and had such a great experience I am starting to feel like I don't want to go back again. I am not sure why I feel like this or if it "normal" to feel this way. It is really hard to explain how I feel, other than I want to go back to Thailand but I don't necessarily feel that I want to see my family again. Is it wrong to feel this way?

I feel guilty when I think like this and in the next thought I am positive and looking forward to going back and seeing everyone again. Maybe it is because that first day was so stressful and I don't know if I want to go through that again. Secondly if I go back, will the expectations of me have changed? Jokingly, a visitor to the house asked if I would like to come and live with Atchara. This makes me think perhaps in time I will be asked to care for her or help out financially. At this stage I see the family, not as immediate family members - more as extended family i.e. distant relatives who have their own immediate family to care and support them.

Reflection

2005-02-20T14:48:00.000+10:00

On 16 February we arrived back in Cairns after a very long flight from Hong Kong. Now as I have had a couple of days to unpack and relax, I look back over the past couple of weeks and I feel that my life has changed for the better forever.

After 28 years I feel complete. I know where I was born, what time I was born and that I do look like my brothers and sisters. Growing up I often felt different as I didn't look like anyone else in my family. It is insulting when people look at Tamiko and I and say we look alike. Apart from the fact we are both Asian we are from two completely different countries. Now I can truthfully say I look like my sisters.

I feel that I have matured in my outlook on life. Material things may only make you happy for a short while, it is having a strong family and friends network that will see you through the hard times. My birth family certainly struggled in the early years, but they have never lost their sense of fun and it shows that they are caring and loving. Each family member has helped in some way to support and assist the rest of the family. They respect each other and have shown how much they care about me.

Throughout the course of my visit it was evident they cared about Mum. They treated her and Alan with the utmost of respect ensuring they were comfortable and happy at all times. Although to outsiders it may have looked a little strange having three "farang" (foreigners) in the house but to Atchara and co. It didn't seem to be unusual at all. Never during the my visit did I feel unwanted or uninvited. On the last day when we were by ourselves I started to feel like "one of the family". It was nice to sit and chat with my sisters, even if the language was a barrier. I am really looking forward to the opportunity of seeing them again and spending more time with them. Getting to know each one and learn about their lives, their families etc.

Family Ties

2005-02-17T13:38:00.000+10:00

Sawang – eldest brother 49 years old, married with three daughters, lives in Bangkok where he is a Cook and helps his sisters with their business. He says I must stay with him when I come back to Bangkok. His daughters, my nieces speak English. I would use English words with him and he would repeat them.

Atchara – eldest sister also 49, lives in Si Chompu runs a mixed business store and has farm land. She is very reserved and hard to get to know.

Sanon – sister is 45 years old, lives in Bangkok, has three children and runs a Karoke business with Saithong. Her husband passed away.

Ning – sister is 42 years and lives in another province near Si Chompu. She is married to Chai for one year and can’t have children.

Kuawan – sister is 39 years and lives in Si Chompu, next door to Atchara. She works the farm land with her husband and they have two or three children, I think.

Saithong – sister is 35 years with two children. She lives in Bangkok and runs the Karoke business with Sanon. We look very much alike. Especially when we were younger. I took photos from when I was a child and they showed me photos of Saithong. We were almost identical.

Ongart – brother 31 years old. Lives partly in Bangkok and partly in Si Chompu was married, not anymore. He is a sales rep for a shoe company and speaks minimal English. We look alike in that we have the same smile and some facial expressions.

My sisters were keen to know why had had skin the same colour as theirs. They thought that as I lived in Australia I would have fair skin. They also said I was “fat”, which means healthy and is not considered impolite to tell each other. Much of our conversations included “lon?” (hot?), “lon mak mak” (very hot) perfect thing to say if you run out of conversation.

As a family unit, my brothers and sisters appear very happy, loving and caring towards each other. They have had to overcome some very hard finanical times but are all doing ok now. I am so gratefull for the opportunity to have met them and look forward to my next visit.

The Meeting

2005-02-17T13:29:00.000+10:00

I woke at around 6am on the 1 February 2005 not quite sure how I was feeling. We met in the lobby and commenced our trip to the village of Si Chompu around 1.5 hours away. Thailand is can be a pretty scary place to drive as the road rules don’t always apply so the trip was filled with much road based excitement. The closer we got the more nervous I became and I felt a little sick. We entered the village of Si Chompu and got lost looking for the house. After several phone calls to and fro, Surin was given the correct details and as we got to the street a Toyota truck pulled up and a young man got out – it was one of my brothers!

We followed the truck down a long road and pulled up outside what looked like a small shop. I got out of the car and was met by 3 or 4 people. They were my sisters, as they hugged me I started to cry and the women also were crying. We walked into the shop and my oldest sister Atchara walked over to me and I could see she was crying. Alan filmed the meeting on the camera and as we settled in the house Surin proceeded to translate and introduce my family to me.

My oldest brother and two of my sisters had travelled 6 hours from Bangkok to be with me and I was so glad that they had made the effort as I had only ever corresponded with my sister Atchara. We sat down and my sisters all wanted to be near me, touching me and grabbing my hands. It was amazing to meet them and felt so surreal. One of my sisters was not yet there; she and her husband were travelling from a neighbouring province and would arrive in the afternoon. It was around 10.30am at this time.

Throughout the morning a steady stream of people wandered into the house/shop. The village, like Cairns is small and everyone knows each other’s business. The news that I had returned to see my family after 28 years had spread like wild fire. My brother Sawang was very excited and spent much time chatting to us in Thai, not even caring that we couldn’t understand a word. My sisters kept coming over and calling me "Nong Sow", which means younger sister and the local’s continued to stare.

A blind old man entered the shop and sat on the floor. I was asked to go over to him, as he wanted to meet me. This was my Uncle, my mother’s brother. He was one of the village elders that had helped my father decide to have my twin and I adopted. Together with a small band of village elders they had travelled with my father to the orphanage. The old man held my hand and felt my wrist, comparing it with one of my sisters. I discovered that for 3 days after my mother died, my father had kept us not knowing what to do. He had no milk to give us and were not thriving on rice water. It was the elders that had decided we must be given up for adoption.

Around midday, my sisters prepared lunch for us. We were treated like royalty and given star treatment. The food was delicious and truly authentic Thai style. My family kept coming over and asking if the food was tasty and would we like more. After we ate, they sat on the floor or surrounds and had surrounds and ate some food too.

The bathroom in this house (Atchara – my eldest sister) was a traditional Thai bathroom – there was no flushing toilet or shower facility. After using the toilet you must pour a pail of water into the bowl. The floor was wet from a leaking pipe, so you can image how hard it is to keep the bottom’s of your pants from getting wet. The kitchen had a small sink and gas hotplate. Outside was a wood fired stove. The main part of the house was split in two. Half was a small shop and the other side was the living area with a couch, entertainment unit, TV and stereo. Towards the back of the room was a dining table and two bedrooms.

My sister Atchara is crippled in her leg, she lost her mother at age 21 and cared for her brothers and sisters like their mother. She raised my brother Ongart who is 31 and my sister Saithong, 35. Ongart was only 2 when our mother died. On the day I was born and our mother died Atchara was working in the fields (farm) as my father had stayed at home to be with my mother. My mother died 3 hours after I was born. I was born around 3pm. Nearby my eldest brother Sawong was about to become a father. His wife gave birth to my niece around 6pm the same day. Therefore I have a niece who is the exact same age as me!

Eventually the brothers and sisters moved away from the house and Atchara stayed alone. In the early days my family was very poor. Three out of the seven have travelled overseas to work and send money home. Ning, my sister who is now 42 spent 6 years in Korea working in a factory. It is her money that helped Atchara have a nice shop with tiled floors and electricity.

All the above was translated by Surin to me. It was extremely hard work for him, as he had to translate back and forth all day. But I was so grateful to him for helping me and I don’t know how I would have been had I had to face it alone.

Later in the day another man arrived. He was my stepbrother. After my mother died my father remarried a widow with five children of her own. This takes the number of brothers and sisters to twelve. This brother was to play a very important part. At 5pm, a traditional Thai welcoming ceremony began. We were all asked to sit on the floor in front of my stepbrother. As if in prayer we held our hands and thin cotton string was weaved through our hands. This symbolised the union of our family, that is we are all joined by the same string. A blessing was given and then a procession of well-wishers began. Each person was given a small piece of string to tie around our wrists, they then gave a verbal blessing for things like good health, wealth etc. Surin told me I was very special as so many of the village elders came to pay respects and bless me. We did upset my blind Uncle by forgetting to approach him for blessing but was all ok.

By this time it was after 6pm and I was so tired and getting very emotional. It was all too much to take and all I wanted to do was leave. After a light meal to make my family happy we left to go back to the hotel. The family seemed a little sad I was not staying. We told them we would see them the next day as they wished me to go to the temple and give an offering to the monks for my parents spirit.

Bright and early we set off again towards Si Chompu. I was still feeling very restless and uneasy about seeing my family again. Meeting my family has been some time in the making. I don’t think though I would ever want to go through that first day again. So it was with some anxiety and apprehension that we went back to see them. My sister Kuawan was waiting at the end of the street. The family wanted us to go to the dam after the temple for picnic. I was not for this and Surin was aware of my discomfort. He politely explained that we had limited time and that we wished to visit Udon Thani where the orphanage was and that I would be back on Thursday to spend more time and say goodbye. Luckily no one took offence. Although I know they were sad.

At the monastery, the monk was very curious to know how we came to be there. Surin explained in Thai and the monk apologised that he could not converse with us. I presented my offerings and he gave us a blessing. We met up with my brothers and sisters at the main temple, where we took more photos together. After some time we parted ways and we drove 30 minutes to Udon Thani to drop Surin home.

A note about Surin. I could not have asked for someone more helpful. As I learned Surin follows his Catholic religion quite closely – he is the first person I have met who has met the Pope (photos to prove it!) and worked closely with the sisters who came from the convent of Mother Theresa. He enjoys helping people and has assisted several Thai adoptees prior to myself. He also helped establish a home for people ill with HIV run by the nuns and currently volunteers to deliver goods to poor children living in the forest areas. Surin doesn’t ask for any monetary assistance and didn’t expect anything in return. For all his help during the past couple of days and from over the years we paid for his accommodation and meals. Surin invited us into his home, he loves technology and has erected a huge radio antenna on his roof so he can use his HAM radio and chat to users all over the world. After looking around his house Surin took us to meet his wife – who is the head of the Kindergarten at Don Bosco School a large Catholic school (2070 students). She was lovely and we thanked her for letting Surin come to help us.

Finally around 6pm we left Udon Thani bound for Khon Kaen. It was sad to leave Surin behind as I felt we had made a new friend. Arriving in Khon Kaen 1.5 hours later David and I went for a stroll and then to bed.

Waking up early we left for Si Chompu one last time. I felt anxious and nervous all over again as Surin was no longer with us and I would have to rely on my poor Thai and a phrasebook. We arrived at Atchara’s home around 11am. I greeted everyone in the traditional way and we sat down. One of my sister’s was sitting at the table mixing some noodles so I went over to talk to her. With my basic Thai I said the word for noodles in Thai and she laughed and then asked in broken Thai if I like to eat them. Mum followed over and we sat at the table joined by my other sisters and then shortly after a neighbouring woman who spoke a tiny bit of English as she was married to a Norwegian man. Somehow we struggled through several conversations ranging from weather to age to income. It was the most relaxed I had been since meeting them.

David and Alan were in the living area with my brothers looking at photos and drinking some beer. My sister Ning and her husband Chai arrived, which was good as Chai could speak broken English learnt from books and tapes. My brother Ongart can speak some English words and construct very, very basic sentences. The others know only words. I used my phrase book to look up words and then pointed at them for my sisters and brothers to read. Sawang my eldest brother wrote his address and phone numbers down for me and then copied my details down in English. Ongart will make stickers for them to stick on envelopes to send to Australia.

After another delicious lunch we went for a walk to see the land my sister’s owned. Kuawan and Atchara have land that they farm pumpkins on. To own land in Thailand is quite good and my brother Sawang told us that the family is now doing ok for themselves. Although, my brother-in-law Chai did tell Alan that it had cost them a lot to have us all there and that they would not be able to do it again. Through broken English and Thai my sister’s told me that next time I visited I was to stay at Atchara’s and not in a hotel. Chai explained that I was accepted as one of the family and that they all loved us and cared about us. Mum was given special attention from my family and they thanked her for taking care of me. They gave us beautiful gifts made of silk and shoes from the store that Ongart works for. Kuawan gave us woven cushions she made herself and we received little gifts from the others.

This day was going way too quickly it seemed after getting over the initial fears I didn’t want to leave. Also since Surin had left everyone felt much more relaxed. The conversations in the afternoon with my sisters were typical girly, sisterly ones ie. How fat we are and why, and did I wear a bra in Australia? I was wearing a strapless one and they were curious, as they couldn’t see the straps. My brother Sawang came over to give me photos of his daughters and himself and I asked him how old they were etc. Many more photos were taken including ones of me holding a photo of my father and then one with Mum, Alan and myself holding a photo of my birth mother. Ongart asked what time we had to leave, which was 3pm to get the car back to the airport and at around 2.50pm we started to say our goodbyes.

I burst into tears and Saithong my sister hugged me, crying she didn’t want to let go. This started the other sisters crying and there was lots of hugging. I told them I would be back and next time I would stay for longer and be able to speak better Thai. I looked around for Atchara but could not see her. She was in the house crying. I hugged her and told her I would be back. My brothers were just as emotional but didn’t cry or not that I could see. As we drove off waving I sobbed uncontrollably. Why is it the way, that just as you get to know people or start enjoying something it is time to go? I felt that today I made a connection and I wanted the day to go on for so much longer.

Khon Kaen Arrival

2005-02-17T13:25:00.000+10:00

The nerves started to set in as the plane left Bangkok airport right on time. I had butterflies settling in my stomach and I wasn’t sure if I would be sick, at the same time I felt very excited.

The plane flight went very quickly and no sooner had we left Bangkok and we were landing at Khon Kaen domestic airport. Would Surin be waiting for us?

Walking into the arrivals Mum and I were scanning the crowd looking for someone holding a sign perhaps with our names on it. A smiling man started walking towards us, he called out “Somphong?” my Thai birth name and I looked around for someone else. It took a minute or so for me to register that it was I he was talking to. The man before us was indeed Surin. He was the person who traced my family for me and assisted for those years translating my letters into Thai and vice versa. It was great to finally meet him and thank him for his help so far.

Greeting David and Alan we all made our way out to the main meeting area of the airport. Surin spoke in Thai to the hotel transfer staff and arranged a transfer. He then proceeded to assist Alan with translation at the Avis car rental booth. In Khon Kaen very little English is spoken and it helps if you can speak Thai or have someone to translate. Finally after many minutes we were on our way to the hotel.

Chareon Thani Princess Hotel loomed before us. This hotel is on par with the Khon Kaen Sofitel and boasts the largest nightclub – “Zolid”, which is 3 levels. Surin helped us check in and advised he would wait in the lobby while we went to our rooms. Mum had lost a filling in her tooth in Bangkok and was in desperate need of a Dentist, so after check in we were on our way to find a local Dentist with the help once again of Surin.

At the entrance of the hotel Surin hailed a Tuk-Tuk (3 wheeled motorised cart) and we set off for the Dentist. Our driver spoke minimal English and found it abit amusing that I spoke only minimal Thai on arrival at the Dentist the driver gave us his “business card” – a slim piece of paper with his name, occupation and mobile number so we could hire him again. David and I left Mum, Alan and Surin at the Dentist and we set off for a walk around.

Khon Kaen has very few western tourists and so David stood out especially as he was with me. Everywhere we walked people would stare. The streets were packed with shops and when we came across an Optometrist store we went in. I managed to successfully purchase a new pair of glasses and some contact lenses, which I was happy about. The price was really good, and they made up my glasses on the spot – in Cairns it took a week for my glasses to be prepared. Before leaving Cairns I spent $150 on contact lenses, the same lenses in Khon Kaen cost $24. I will be going back on Friday for some more I think!

We made our way slowly back to the hotel, not before David purchased 2 bottles (640ml) of beer for just over a $1. At the local shopping mall there was a whole level set aside for mobile phone sales. Stalls and stalls of venders selling new and second hand phones, all trying to outsell each other. We ran into Mum, Alan and Surin here as Alan was wanting to purchase a new phone and Surin was helping to get the best deal.

In the evening we had dinner at one of the hotel restaurants where Surin had to order as all the food was in Thai letters. After a long day we called it a night and made our way back to our rooms. The next day would be very busy and emotional.

I'm Finally Here

2005-01-31T14:51:00.000+10:00

Well we are leaving Bangkok today for Khon Kaen, but it was abit of drama even getting to Bangkok. Arrived at the airport at around 12.45pm for a 3.30pm flight. Due to unforeseen circumstances the plane didn't leave Cairns until just on 5pm! There was a thunder storm in Cairns that delayed the fueling and packing of the plane, followed by a volcano eruption in PNG that meant we couldn't fly the quickest flight path to Hong Kong. We went via Bali and back in to Hong Kong arriving around 11pm. This meant we missed our connection to Bangkok along with the entire plane, some were on their way to Sth Africa, Manila and Vietnam to name a few.

Got off the plane and was met by flustered Cathay Pacific staff who issued hotel and food vouchers as we had to stay overnight. Luckily we got travel toothbrushes on the plane. The airport hotel was very, very nice and it was great to have a shower and go to sleep after such a long day.

At 6am got up to go back to the airport after having dreams all night that we missed the plane. Went through customs at Hong Kong and was questioned "what is your name?" a pause, followed by a further study of my passport and then "what is your date of birth?". My heart was beating a little quicker. Once we got through I felt much happier and we had chinese food for breakfast.

Arrived in Bangkok on 30 Jan 2005 and missed our tour for the day as it left at 6am. A fellow we met on the plane from Cairns had previously stayed at our hotel and told us how much it should cost to reach it. The first taxi was way over the price, so we walked to the taxi rank and caught the next taxi. The travellor was spot on the money and we were happy to have met him. Checked into our room, the hotel is not 5 star by any means, but it's clean and cheap and the food is pretty good. The staff are very friendly and keep looking at me very curiosly indeed as unfortunately my Thai is so poor I have no idea what they are saying most of the time! I must admit I was not sure if I looked "Thai" anymore as comparing myself to the women around I definately look much more western in my facial shape and features.

After showering and changing we attempted to go for a walk, not knowing where we were walking too. Stepped out onto the street and taxi drivers came out of nowhere wanting to take us places. Declined the offer several times and went back to the hotel lobby where used he hotel limousine - a volvo station wagon to go to the World Trade Centre (large shopping mall).

The World Trade Centre is 8 levels of shopping heaven. Mind you don't get lost though as it the building is circular and easy to forget which level is what. There was an amazing E-library for the kids, which had free internet access, books and magazines, a cafe, CD listening stations and these great cubes suspended off the floor for the kids to climb into and read books. Also there was a huge Microsoft computer lab with at least 500 computers for the public to use. Thai locals pay 5B and foreigners must pay 50B ($1A) to use for an hour.

After wandering around for several hours we went out into the street and went for a walk. This area of Bangkok is quite popular with tourists and more wealthy Thai's, there is a huge cinema complex with more shopping malls and street venders along the footpath. The down side was the beggers we saw. Children as young as 4 or 5. The saddest person I saw was a man, horribily disfigured by burns, his face was disfigured and it was sad to think he must live in pain like this every day.

Walked back along the road and had a drink at a bar/restaurant and caught a taxi back to the hotel. It was then that we discovered that the limo service from the hotel was quite over priced - at least double. Mum and Alan came back from their tour at around 7.30pm, they have been in Bangkok for 2 days having a great time sight seeing.

This morning after breakfast we waited downstairs for a meter taxi to pull into the hotel. After about 30 mins the hotel taxi driver came out and asked in Thai where we were going or at least I think he said that (could not understand him). Anyway we told him we wanted to go to the airport and that there were 4 passengers. He said he would use the van for 1000B (cost 300 in the taxi from the airport). After a little bargining we got the fee down to a reasonable amount and here I am now waiting for my flight.

Everywhere I have been in the last 24hrs people look at me oddly, especially when I tell them I only speak minimal Thai. It is strange for them to see me, not speak Thai and travelling with 3 Aussies. I have seen them tell their work collegues who then turn around to look at me. What is more common is Western men with Thai ladies, some couples not so nice looking. The man we met on the plane, I ran into him on the streets of Bangkok yesterday afternoon with his female companion on their way to a movie.

I must admit I feel quite self consious. The women are very beautiful and thin (thinner than me, that is) I am seriously starting an exercise programme when I come home! The Thai Airways personnel are exceptional in their personal presentation and everyone on TV is either handsome or beautiful.

One Week To Go

2005-01-24T10:12:00.000+10:00

Even though it is less than a week away until I leave it still feels very surreal and I don't know how I'll feel once the departure day arrives. Again with everything going on at home I haven't really had time to think much about what will be happening in a fortnight.

David arrived home last night from his army training. He has been gone for 2 weeks. Although he was gone less time than Kapooka for some reason it felt longer. I think it may be because he wasn't here to help me out with the trip arrangements i.e. organising money and I wasn't able to speak to him every day. Now that he's home it will be a lot easier.

I pulled my suitcase out last week and today I think I might start organising what I'll need and want to take. There are still a few things that I need to buy before we leave but the shopping will have to wait until Friday as for cash I'm abit light on until we go away.

It feels strange to know that in a week I'll be face to face with "family". What will they look like? Will I look like them? Will I like them? and will they like me? Questions going around in my head. I try not to think too much about them as I then get a little anxious and worried. I will know soon enough.

Money Matters

2005-01-10T13:55:00.000+10:00

Tick tock, tick tock the clock is ticking and I have left a bit too much to the last minute. This week I need to organise traveler's cheques, find out where my plane tickets have got to and check that all the information is correct. Having just spoken to Mum it appears there have been some slight flight changes and a possible error on the ticket and itinerary. Wish I had more time or some time off. Working 8.15am to 5.00pm it's going to be tough trying to get to the bank and Flight Centre during the day. Hopefully I'll be able to do some things during my lunch break and maybe after work. Wish David was here to help out, but he's in Townville until 23 Jan completely further army reserve training.

Mental list of things to do is ever increasing, think it is about time I start writing things down and checking them off 0nce I've completed them. I went shopping briefly yesterday and bought a few Australian items to give as presents. I've also bought 2 calendars of Cairns and I'm thinking of buying a couple of Cairns prints and coffee table print books and postcards. Mum has also bought some things so between the 2 of us I'm sure we'll have plenty. Again, this all costs money and its times like this I wish I won lotto! I'll have spent my money before I've left the country at this rate.

The Countdown Begins

2005-01-07T16:19:00.000+10:00

This morning I went to the Doctor for my travel immunisation. Almost immediately I felt like someone had punched me in the arm and I am sure I have huge bruise (or I could be exaggerating), anyway it hurt just a little bit. For the pleasure of ensuring I don't catch Typhoid Fever or Hep A I spent just over one hundred dollars. This may seem expensive (which I think it is), but I would rather be safe than sorry as they say.

I have a list of things to do before we leave and although it is only a couple of weeks away I still feel like its months away. David got his international drivers licence yesterday and I will photocopy our passports and documents sometime next week. I'll have to start thinking of clothes and shoes I want to take, as well as gifts for the family and people I meet. I've been told that anything Australia related e.g. keyrings with koalas etc will be much appreciated. So I think I'll stock up on these things in the next week or so. I will have to make a list of the things I might like to get duty free. I'm thinking perfume and alcohol - some of which I intend to use while I'm away. I pulled my Thai lessons out last night and will have to start revising as it's been a couple of months since my last lesson. I'm abit nervous about my language skills and not sure if they'll be sufficient. I hope I'll be able to get by as I'm not sure how long Surin will be with us.

Postscript from a previous entry. We have successfully cancelled our accommodation booking Phuket and are awaiting a refund, which according to the Customer Service Consultant could take anywhere from 8 - 45 days. A booking has been made in Koh Samui and the deposit paid. We have paid the airfare to Koh Samui and will pay David's father back the money as soon as we are refunded our airfares from Phuket. However, David was told at the travel agency yesterday that the airline has imposed a cancellation fee because we are travelling after February. This we aren't happy about as I was not informed this when I cancelled the booking and the travel agent couldn't tell David how much the fee would be. We'll certainly be following up on this. Although it seems much of Phuket and Patong Beach are operational, I still feel it is too soon to visit and I'm happy we're going to Koh Samui instead.

Support Network

2005-01-01T19:29:00.000+10:00

If you ask my friends and family they will more than likely tell you that they don't see me as "asian" and that my physical differences i.e. skin colour does not make me any different to them. Growing up I have been lucky, the amount of racism I have encountered has been minimal and the fact that I mixed mainly with anglo-saxon people gave rise to a complex about all things asian. In the past I have often found myself embarrassed of my background and I ashamed to say on more than one occasion I have made fun or played down the fact that I am asian.

I don't know what it means to identify with my Thai heritage as I have never lived it. I have not had the opportunity to meet and mix with people from Thailand, nor have I gone out of my way to learn about the culture. That is until now.

Unable to speak Thai and knowing that Atchara and my family don't speak English I began the search for a Thai tutor. Eventually I placed a flyer up at the university and within weeks I received a call from student who was willing to teach me. Lou was Australian born and had spent a year on exchange in Thailand, where she learnt to speak Thai. She then spent a couple of years teaching English in Thailand. After about eight months of tuition I feel confident that I will be able to hold basic conversations with my family. Lou was also able to provide me with important information regarding cultural aspects of family life. She was able to tell me what sort of things people do on a daily basis and the types of conversation that take place between family and friends. I think the fact that Lou was Australian made it more comfortable for me and I thank her for her support and patience.

While surfing the internet I came across a site ICASN or Inter-country Adoptee Support Network. This a support group was founded by a Vietnamese adoptee in 1999. I had no idea that groups like this existed and it was with much interest that I read the stories written by other adoptees. It was also with relief that I found that I wasn't the only one to feel embarrassed about my background and in some ways racist towards asians. ICASN also has an email group so that all members can keep in touch no matter where they live. I have found the support and advice regarding meeting my birth family so valuable. It feels nice to belong to a group that I have so much in common with. Sometimes it is hard to speak to family or friends about my adoption issues as they really don't understand how I feel or why. I'm hoping that I'll be able to go to Brisbane sometime this year and meet some of the Brisbane based group members.

When I first told Mum that I wanted to find my birth family she had not hesitation in helping me and it was because of Mum's efforts that I found my family so fast. She also made it clear that she wanted to be there when I met my family for the first time. If David wasn't coming with me I don't know if I could go by myself. I really appreciate all he has done in relation to the trip, including putting up with me when I am moody. The people I work with are great, they show interest in my plans and I look forward to sharing my stories with them on my return.

Things To Remember

2004-12-14T16:51:00.000+10:00

I received the following email from Mum this morning. With at least six weeks until we leave it's better to be safe then sorry I guess. So thanks Mum!

Hi Tamara.....
just sending you a few things you might want to check before you go away. These are taken from my own list so just sending what may apply to you.

TAKE.....any papers or photos to show family
any medications and scripts, also spare pair of glasses and script for glasses
basic first aid kit
Imodium for upset stomach or gastro
mobile and charger
camera and film
soap powder and line for washing
p.s I am taking my international power plugs, in case I need them

DO.........vaccinations, check with local doctor
photocopy itiniery for Scott and Billie-Jo
travellers cheques and make sure you have enough baht until you can get to a bank over there. I will probably change about $400 here to start with.
leave details with neighbour

IN CARRY-ON LUGGAGE.......cash and credit cards
valuables
documents
list of what is in your luggage
medications and scripts
wipes and toothbrush

I hope you find some of it helpful....speak to you soon.....Mum xxxxx

Where In The World Is Khon Kaen?

2004-12-11T07:42:00.000+10:00

After leaving Bangkok, we will board a plane bound north east to Khon Kaen. This the town where we will be based while visiting with my family.

Khon Kaen is the capital of Northeastern Thailand and Khon Kaen Province. Located in the heart of Isan, With the addition of the Sofitel, the Oasis Plaza Shopping Center, and the Kosa Office Complex, the downtown area is rapidly expanding. Khon Kaen is the export center for trade into the Indochina Region. Laos and Vietnam have located consulate offices in the city to process visa applications. The city also hosts the largest university in the North East, Khon Kaen University.

To visit Atchara I must travel around three hours return to a village called Si Chompu. Until very recently I was not aware that Atchara didn't live in Khon Kaen, so it came as quite a shock to realise I would have to organise a car or alternative arrangements to visit. Atchara was under the impression that I would go and stay at her home with her. Initially I don't think is a good idea as although she is blood related family, I will still feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Also my Thai is not that great and she does not speak any English. I will re-assess the situtuation after visiting her the first time.

I was born in Udon Thani located about the same distance from Khon Kaen. Udon Thani was once an important US military base during the Vietnam war, so it retains reminders of that time, with bars, coffee shops, and hotels. There are a large number of retired US servicemen who have settled there. There is also an Udon branch of the US veterans of foreign war association, along with a relay station of VOA. We will be making a special trip to visit Udon Thani even though the orphanage is no longer there.

Khon Kaen Province

Who's Who In the Zoo

2004-12-10T07:56:00.000+10:00

When I first started to think about going to Thailand it seemed so far away. Afterwhile I had been saying I was going to visit for nearly three years. Finally David and I decided on a date. At this time I spoke with Mum to tell her of my plans. She was extremely happy and I'm not sure who asked who, but Mum made the decision to come with me and meet my family as well. So now there were three.

I asked Mum if Alan would like to come too and she said she'd ask, as Alan has not traveled outside of Australia. I was really pleased when Alan agreed to come, he has been a great support to Mum, especially when she was having treatment for Cancer. I admire and respect Alan for all that he has done for our family and his own. He makes Mum happy and that is all a child could ever wish for their parent. This trip will be an adventure for all of us on many different levels. This brings the team to four.

There is a person who has been of major importance throughout this process and time period. He is someone I have never met or spoken to except through email and for all his time and assistance he has never asked for anything in return. For this I thank him and I am so grateful for his help as without him I am unsure how things would have panned out. Surin was working for Bishop George when Mum sent an email to start the search. Surin answered and as an Assistant to the Bishop took it upon himself to investigate and try and locate my family. He traveled to Khon Kaen which is around three hours round trip from where he lives. Since Surin first located my sister Atchara he has assisted me on many occasions, mainly with translation of letters from English to Thai. This can be time consuming and difficult.

Surin has recently left employment with the Bishop and now is concentrating on farming. He says that at the moment he is not making any money from this venture but is enjoying what he does. It will be great to meet him Surin in person and thank him for his efforts. Special thanks also go to Surin's brother who was studying in Melbourne for a short period. He also assisted with translations and met Mum on a couple of occasions.

First Contact

2004-12-09T19:44:00.000+10:00

19 October 2001

To the Family I never knew,

I have always known that I was adopted from Thailand, my adoptive parents made me understand from a very early age, that my birth mother had died and my father could not care for my twin sister or me. Therefore, I have never felt any anger for not growing up as a part of your family.

You will be happy to know, I grew up in a loving family with 2 sisters of my own. My sisters are also adopted, one from Thailand and the other from the Philippines. We treat each other as regular siblings and enjoy spending time together. My adoptive parents were both loving and kind. My adoptive father returned to Thailand in the early 1980’s and tried to find you, to see how everyone was and to offer assistance if it was needed, but the family (or rather our father) had moved. My adoptive mother has always done her best to ensure I was happy and well looked after. On learning that I wanted to find you, she immediately began the search and was overwhelmed when you were all found so quickly.

As an adult, I always knew I would return to the country of my birth. This was realised in 1997, when as a 21st birthday present I flew to Thailand for 3 weeks. It was on that trip that I was able to begin to discover my culture and roots. I will admit, growing up as part of an Australian family, did not prepare me for the culture shock I felt during that vacation. It felt strange to see women and girls who looked similar to me and have people speak to me in a language I did not understand. On my return to Australia, I thought nothing more and did not expect to visit Thailand again for a while to come.

The decision to search for my Thai family was not made over night. I thought long and hard about it and finally decided that now was the right time to do it. I have the support of my adoptive family and friends, as well as the love and support from my partner David.

Now that I have found you, I am happy and slightly over whelmed. It was a shock to discover how big the family is. I was very excited to receive the photos and can see a family resemblance in almost every picture.

I hope that you are all as happy to hear of my existence, as I was to discover I have been born into such a beautiful family. I look forward to making the trip to Thailand in the very near future and meeting everyone face to face.

Thank you for bringing this joy into my life.

Your loving “Sister”

Tamara Thomas
(Somphong Monkunkul)

The Beginning

2004-12-07T21:38:00.000+10:00

Do you ever wonder what it is like to have strangers stare as you walk down a street with your parents? Have you ever had fellow shoppers approach your Grandmother and ask if you were her grandchild? Or has your father told curious minded visitors that when you are hungry he fills the bath with boiled rice and you help yourself? No, well these are a few of my early memories growing up as an inter-country adoptee.

On 26 May 1976 twin girls were born eight weeks premature in Udon Thani, Thailand. The birth mother dies in childbirth leaving the twins in the care of their grieving father. The family already has seven other siblings and the father is not capable of caring for two new born babies and makes the decision to place them in an orphanage for adoption. The orphanage is relatively clean and run by a very small staff who although they care are not able to provide the love, stimulation or care that babies and young children need.

A couple arrives from Holland seeking a child, seeing the twin girls they make a decision to adopt them and leave for Bangkok, with plans to come back shortly to finalize the adoption. Meanwhile a couple from Melbourne Australia arrive and after wandering around the orphanage also wish to adopt the twin girls. A telegram is sent to Bangkok and the Dutch couple agree for the twin's to go to their new home in Australia. The Australian couple are overjoyed and look forward to bringing their babies home. Telegrams are sent to family and plans are made for the arrival.

The paperwork complete the adoption is legalized under Thai law and the parents request visas for entry into Australia. The Australian government don't deem the adoption as lawful under Australian law stating that the adoption had not followed the correct protocol. So the mother is stranded at Bangkok airport along with several other families. With little money they have no choice but to wait and plead with the government to let their children into the country. Finally a favorable decision is made and the family returns home, complete with two new children.

So this is how it came to pass that I would come to call this beautiful country Australia home. On arrival in Australia my twin sister and I were admitted into Fairfield hospital, Melbourne and that is where I stayed for several months. There are photos of me during this time and it is clear how truly sick I was. I was the eldest twin and must have been stronger as soon after our arrival my twin sister passed away. My mother was distraught and in denial having lost yet another child, it would take a while for her to move on from this great loss. My grandmother recalls me lifting my head up, alert and looking around for her every time she visited and how she would have to sneak out of the room in order for me to fall asleep, not know she had gone. Although I was too young to remember my sister dying I believe I missed her and thus craved the constant attention of others.

During this time my father returned to Thailand where a family wanting the best in life for their child gave their seven year old daughter up for adoption. The seven year old, born in my home town became my older sister. In 1978 the family moved temporarily to the Philippines to adopt a six month old girl. My younger sister completed our family.

Apart from my adopted sisters and the occasional interaction with other adopted children I grew up mixing with anglo-saxon children, we did not spend time learning about our culture or country's of birth and I never felt the need as a child to find out where I was from. In fact it was not until I started working at sixteen in a Thai restaurant that I tasted Thai food or mixed with other Thai born people. One of my closest friends during this time was a half Thai, half Australian girl, the daughter of the owner. She, like me did not have the passion or inclination to find out about our Thai heritage, but in the same token it was our heritage that drew us together as friends.

In 1997 I returned to Thailand twenty-one years after I had first left. I am not sure what I expected but on my return I vowed not to go back again. It was not that I did not enjoy myself, rather that I felt out of place and overwhelmed by the whole experience. Never before had I seen so many faces similar to mine. I was used to being unique and exotic, here I was just like everyone else. Seeing girls younger than myself wandering the streets, in bars and around the town with men twice their age made me sad and ashamed. Not wanting to be associated with those girls I would speak loudly in clear, Australian accented English to ensure I was not mistaken for a local and scowled at any man who dared look in my way. It was with some relief that I returned to Australia, home.

Skip forward and I am now twenty-five years old. I made a major decision to move interstate with partner and felt that my life was at a turning point. I can't pinpoint exactly when I decided I wanted to find my birth family or even the reasons why. I just know that I woke up one day determined to begin the search. I read a book about a girl I knew who managed to find her birth family and how for her it had changed her life for the better. I guess in some ways I felt that I needed this connection to move on with my life. I approached my mother and after discussion she told me she supported my decision and that she would do anything in her power to help me. I contacted several aid organizations including Red Cross who were unable to assist as I was not a child displaced by war. It was my mum who struck the jackpot within days of beginning the search. Using the Internet she searched for the Bishop who ran the orphanage. After finding his contact details an email outlining my request was sent. The Bishop's assistant, Surin responded, happy to assist having done so previously for other families. In no time at all he had located my eldest sister living in a village about three hours away from the town of my birth.

This began the sporadic correspondence between my sister Atchara and myself. I composed a letter expressing my joy in finding her, outlining my thoughts and feelings and telling her about my life in Australia. Atchara responded and sent photos of my siblings - seven in total. She advised that my birth father had died only months before I made contact, but that he would have been happy to know I was alive and well. It was a sad moment for me, knowing that if I had just been a couple of months quicker I would have had the opportunity to meet him. Having just moved interstate I was not in the financial position to visit Thailand and it was sadness that I told my sister she would have to continue waiting to see me again.

Finally after many months of saving I am now booked and will soon be on my way to Thailand. Atchara, my sister is excited and keen for me to come and is busy planning for my arrival. Having spent the last six to eight months learning conversational Thai, culture and etiquette I am looking forward to being able to converse with my family but at the same time I am nervous and anxious about what lies ahead.